is my mother.
The past year or so has been a wonderland of exploration; gender, sexuality, submissive and service identities. I’ve crawled up and down the spectrum of female gender expression. I’ve dressed in drag (and passed for a boy). I’ve worn high heels, corsets, make up and jewelry. Most of the time, tho, I’m content in jeans, sneakers and a t shirt. I only wear make up to go out for kink stuff and even then it’s only the big stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I like wearing dresses and heels and make up. It makes me feel beautiful, graceful and strong. However, I’m finding more and more that the other end of the spectrum is just as powerful. I like the strength of feeling grounded and solid when I wear my boots. I like the way wearing masculine clothing changes the way I walk and hold myself.
Cutting my hair off was the most powerful change I’ve made. While I’m not Christian it often makes me think of 1 Corinthians 11:14-15 “Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears long hair, it is degrading to him, but if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering.” Coming from a region with concentrations of people with Christian values I know very few women with very short hair and more than just a few who keep long hair for spiritual or religious reasons. The first time I asked for a cut so short that it required clippers I was literally shaking. It was like I was having the veil I could hide behind shaved off bit by bit. It felt wonderful, empowering and scary. I fear the kind of homophobic violence so many I know have experienced. I know there are no laws here to protect me. So I made a choice. The need to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel empowered, sexy and unencumbered outweighed my fears of rejection, misunderstanding and violence.
Of course, gender expression is more than just clothing. It’s attitude, behaviors, actions and any number of intangible things. Many of these things remain the same with me. Many are in flux. A lot of things are heavily tied into exploring my submissive and service identities. I’m learning to bootblack from a very femme perspective. I’m learning leather history and decorum from a butch, gentlemanly perspective. I find myself more protective and nurturing towards some people in my life. Others, I feel I could bare my secrets safely and be honored to serve them.
I am happier in my own skin now than I ever have been before. As I ride out these changes I do so knowing that there is a solid path for me somewhere. I’m going to keep looking until I find it.
