Wisdom from Pat Califia

A Code of Honor for Leatherdykes
By Pat Califia, From the book "The Second Coming" 1996

I feel a little silly writing this down. It's very personal, and I'm not sure that putting my own ideals down on paper will be useful for anyone else. And I'd be a complete fool if I tried to tell anybody that these items are anything other then goals. On some days achieving them seems very damned distant.

I only know that for me, leather is more then a way to get off. It can be a powerful bond between outspoken women who have the courage to be honest about their needs, strong women who have the guts to live outside society's fences. For me, these bonds have transcended any connection I've have with my family. There's an old saying, "Leather is thicker then blood." But if we're going to abandon the standards and institutions that keep most women domesticated, we need a code of our own to keep us from preying upon one another.

1. I will take care of myself financially. I will pay my own way. I will not manipulate or coerce other women into supporting me. If I have to borrow money, I will pay it back. If I borrow someone else's possessions, I will protect them and return them in the same condition that I received them.

2. I will take care of myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. If I need counseling or medical attention, I will get it. If I need support to seek professional assistance, I will ask for help. I will not lapse into self-destruction, I will not let my use of alcohol or other drugs get out of control, and I will not expose myself or other women to disease by having unsafe sex or sharing needles.

3. I will take care of myself sexually. I will not have sex with someone I despise just because I am needy. I will not allow someone to abuse me because she provides me with sex. I will not trample on other women to make a sexual connection. I will not trade my basic rights and responsibilities for sex. I will not pretend I am a top because I want the prestige, and I will not pretend to be a bottom because I don't want to be grown-up or culpable.

4. I will take care of my relationships. I will be honest with my partner(s). I will resolve conflicts in a nonviolent manner. If I need to change or end a relationship, I will do it with care. I will not treat someone I once loved as is she were a stranger or an enemy. If someone ends a relationship with me, I will recognize that as her inalienable right, and I will not use it as an excuse to instigate a vendetta against her.

5. I will take care of my property. I will improve everyone and everyone that I own. I will not exploit someone else's labor or affection because I'm too lazy to do for myself or too insecure to get down on my knees. I will not ruin my bottom's pleasure because I am jealous of her status. I will not sabotage the rest of her life to keep her under my sexual control.

6. I will take good care of my owner. I will not make contracts I do not intend to keep. I will not undermine her confidence. I will not change my mind about whether I consented to a scene once the scene is over. I will not get her into fights over me or make other master think badly of her abilities because I am unkempt or rude.

7. To the limits of my ability, I will defend myself and other women from danger. I will not cause another woman bodily harm, and I will not allow myself to be injured without seeking redress.

8. I will keep my promises, and I will not make promises lightly.

9. I will not pretend to know things that I am ignorant about. I will not attempt S/M techniques that are beyond my skill or experience I will honor my teachers and always give them credit for the knowledge they shared with me. I will not hoard that knowledge and skill but will pass it on to any woman who is genuinely curious and willing to learn.

10. I will not gossip. I f I know something bad or good about another person, I will share that information when it's necessary and constructive to do so, as long as I am not violating her confidentiality. I will not pass on stories that I can't personally verify, and I will not stir shit by spreading rumors or backstabbing. If I can't keep someone's secrets, I won't allow her to tell me any. If I have a problem with someone, I will confront her myself and not pass the problem on to someday else by whining about it.

11. I will especially respect and honor people in the community who do things that I don't do, because they have abilities I do not have. I will not cooperate with any effort to stigmatize or punish them for being different from me.

12. I will not brag. If I'm any good at all, other women will do my bragging for me. If I'm not, bragging is a form of lying. Dignity and a calm attitude are the mark of a player who can be trusted. A frenzied pursuit for the mob's good opinion will result in bad digestion and sexual frustration.

13. There are women who went before me. They have made my life easier. They are my elders, if not my betters, and I will be grateful for the achievements even if I do not like them personally.

14. S/M is a craft, and I am an apprentice for life. Other people may call me an authority, but I know there's always something about this game-that's-real that I don't know.

15. I will keep a sense of humor. Players who take themselves or the game too seriously get so rigid that they are in danger of shattering under stress.

16. Clean constructive power comes from responsibility. I will not try to gain power in any other way-not by sleeping with somebody else who has some, not by buying it, not by stealing it from other women who have acquired power because they work hard and stick their necks out.

17. There is no welfare in this community. If I want it to flourish, I must contribute. If I sit on my hands, I am a parasite, and I should give my leather away to somebody who deserves to wear it.

18. My good opinion of another woman does not depend on whether she flatters me, gets me laid, or gets me high. When I am taking sides in a conflict, I will try to think about what's right before I think about what side my cunt is lubricated on.

19. My first loyalty is to other women. Women do not have enough physical space, money, or freedom. I value women-only space and institutions and will not attack or weaken them. If I have men in my life, I will not give them priority over women or impose their company on women who choose to live apart from men.

20. I will treat novices, newcomers, and beginners gently. I will not keep them isolated from the community so I can monopolize their attentions, and I will not take advantage of their enthusiasm or ignorance. I will give them the kind of introduction to the scene that I wish someone had given me.

21. I will treat vanilla dykes with courtesy, even while I oppose the attempts some of them make to censor me or take away my rights. I will remember that a lot of women who get upset about S/M will be leatherdykes someday. i will not make coming out more difficult for others by antagonizing or alienating them unnecessarily. Nor will I kowtow to their prejudice or keep silent when they speak ill of my sisters in leather.

22. I will never ransom my intelligence to someone else's charisma I will never take somebody else's word for the right or wrong of an issue. I will gather my own facts, weigh them in my own mind, and come to my own conclusions. My self-respect is more important to me then being popular or admired."

Single

I realized this weekend that I’ve been shaping this idea in my head for a while.  Things happen that way with me.  They percolate and steep up there until finally something comes out when I least expect it.  This time the words came rushing out of my mouth while the rest of my body was rushing with heady afterglow.  I’m not dating right now.  I’d been thinking about the subject of dating and how it relates to where I am in my life.  I’d certainly considered the option of throwing it out entirely.  But I hadn’t really said it with confidence and confirmation behind it before.  I said it, and I knew it was right.  That wasn’t all I said, though.  The second part really surprised me.  I’m not having sex.  Yeah, I know, that didn’t go all that well the last time I tried it.  I remember.  It feels different now.  My motivations are different.

The dating thing is simple. I’m in flux, I don’t know where I’ll be living in the next few years, I don’t know where I want to be.  I want the freedom to go and be wherever my heart takes me.  Getting wrapped up in an intense love affair that ties me to one location will defeat that goal entirely.  Am I going to close myself off completely and ignore if Mr or Ms. Right shows up in my life?  Hell no.  But I am not seeking out romantic life partners.  It’s just not the right time. 

Sex.  Oh, sex. 

If you know me, you know I like sex.  I’m not shy about it.  In fact I’m pretty much an outspoken proponent of sex.  I think people should have it, should enjoy it, and then have some more of it.  Casual sex is just fine.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of it.  Here comes the ‘But’.  But…  the kind of sex I want now is different.  I want relationship sex.  I want the kind of sex where you know each others bodies so well that you can take it to another level.  Sex has always had an emotional component for me and I want the kind of sex where it’s ok for that to happen.  I want sex where the emotional bond is a good and natural thing that everyone involved wants to build and grow.  And so, I am abstaining from the kind of sex I’ve been having that isn’t really satisfying my cravings. 

You see, in addition to being a very loud proponent of sex, I am also a big believer in *good* sex.  Sex should feed the animal within you.  It should make your body catch fire.  For me, a part of that really great sex is the way it can build the emotional connection between me and my partners.  Since I am not currently building those sorts of connections, I’m setting aside sex with others for the moment.  I’m still going to play.  Play feeds other needs that I can’t ignore.  I’m still going to build strong friendships with my play partners.  Those are wonderful relationships of trust and affection.  For now, though, the sex is going to stay separate. 

So there you have it.  I am consciously choosing to be single and celibate.  I don’t know how long this little experiment will last.  I’m open to it changing over time as my needs change.  That’s the most important thing in the end, and ultimately the whole reason behind the concept, to protect myself and satisfy my needs.