Single

I realized this weekend that I’ve been shaping this idea in my head for a while.  Things happen that way with me.  They percolate and steep up there until finally something comes out when I least expect it.  This time the words came rushing out of my mouth while the rest of my body was rushing with heady afterglow.  I’m not dating right now.  I’d been thinking about the subject of dating and how it relates to where I am in my life.  I’d certainly considered the option of throwing it out entirely.  But I hadn’t really said it with confidence and confirmation behind it before.  I said it, and I knew it was right.  That wasn’t all I said, though.  The second part really surprised me.  I’m not having sex.  Yeah, I know, that didn’t go all that well the last time I tried it.  I remember.  It feels different now.  My motivations are different.

The dating thing is simple. I’m in flux, I don’t know where I’ll be living in the next few years, I don’t know where I want to be.  I want the freedom to go and be wherever my heart takes me.  Getting wrapped up in an intense love affair that ties me to one location will defeat that goal entirely.  Am I going to close myself off completely and ignore if Mr or Ms. Right shows up in my life?  Hell no.  But I am not seeking out romantic life partners.  It’s just not the right time. 

Sex.  Oh, sex. 

If you know me, you know I like sex.  I’m not shy about it.  In fact I’m pretty much an outspoken proponent of sex.  I think people should have it, should enjoy it, and then have some more of it.  Casual sex is just fine.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of it.  Here comes the ‘But’.  But…  the kind of sex I want now is different.  I want relationship sex.  I want the kind of sex where you know each others bodies so well that you can take it to another level.  Sex has always had an emotional component for me and I want the kind of sex where it’s ok for that to happen.  I want sex where the emotional bond is a good and natural thing that everyone involved wants to build and grow.  And so, I am abstaining from the kind of sex I’ve been having that isn’t really satisfying my cravings. 

You see, in addition to being a very loud proponent of sex, I am also a big believer in *good* sex.  Sex should feed the animal within you.  It should make your body catch fire.  For me, a part of that really great sex is the way it can build the emotional connection between me and my partners.  Since I am not currently building those sorts of connections, I’m setting aside sex with others for the moment.  I’m still going to play.  Play feeds other needs that I can’t ignore.  I’m still going to build strong friendships with my play partners.  Those are wonderful relationships of trust and affection.  For now, though, the sex is going to stay separate. 

So there you have it.  I am consciously choosing to be single and celibate.  I don’t know how long this little experiment will last.  I’m open to it changing over time as my needs change.  That’s the most important thing in the end, and ultimately the whole reason behind the concept, to protect myself and satisfy my needs.