Fear is not my friend

Two weeks ago I went to an amazing kink conference, Floating World. I met many many cool people, volunteered, slept very little and absorbed as much knowledge as possible. I played hard, wept out some shadows and bore my marks with pride for over a week.

Sunday night in the midst of sleep deprivation, over stimulation, titillation and intense attraction a very wise woman asked me "Is fear your friend, Megan?". I chuckled just a little given the conversation about willingness to take a risk and improve my life that had gone before.

"No, fear is not my friend" I replied, having a little moment of clarity, adding "though it is an excellent playmate." after a moment because I really can't resist an opportunity for cheekiness.

I've pondered those words extensively these past two weeks. I've had a lot of time for contemplation. I am off work again. High pressure investment advisor-sales job is not compatible with my personal flavor of mental health. That has been made abundantly clear. I am nearly certain that a return to that position is not possible. So that leaves me with the question, What now?

I've been asking that question for a while now, really. I know that I want to be doing a job that makes a difference in society. I want to give back to the communities that have given me the ability to become the woman I am today. I strongly believe that it is only a matter of time before Ohio becomes an equality battleground on a national level the way places like California are now. I want to be a skilled and equipped to not only join that fight but help lead it.

Cincinnati is my home. If I leave here and seek out a community where I can learn and grow, what happens to the next fat, queer femme-girl who comes out and stands alone? That said, how can I stand strong and lead if I don't have the knowledge and skills to do so? I want to be more than just the leader of another pansexual kink group. We have those here. Those people are doing a great job. I want to learn how to run a non-profit. I want to learn how to organize a campaign, a special event, become a catalyst for the changes I want to see in the world.

I've made a decision. I am going to leave Cincinnati to learn, to grow, to change. I've discussed it thoroughly with a few experts in the field and I see a combined MSW/MBA grad program as the route to the expertise I want to garner. Likely this will involve a year or so of work in a non-profit beforehand.

I feel strong. I am finally responding to where I feel called to action. This is a huge step for me, the past few years have been rife with uncertainty. This feelsright